Seventeen months have passed since I stepped away from my career in social work. Before that, I followed a path towards being a therapist for nearly 15 years. But once I was there, something happened. When I got to the place I thought I wanted to be for the latter part of my life, I struggled on a physical, emotional, and spiritual level. And I made one of the most confusing decisions - confusing to me and probably to the national students loan centre - to quit my well paying professional positions and instead begin driving for a food delivery service. But a few different things happened when I took that first big step: I opened myself to new opportunities; and I began to have some space to breathe and heal. This is where the path diverged in a way that I believe saved my life in many ways.
It’s hard to believe I only worked for one year after finishing my Master’s in Social Work from the University of Toronto. I always tell people that it felt sometimes like five years. Initially, I can remember thinking “I’m an adult now?” I was perplexed to think that I would be given jobs with the immense amount of responsibility that is put upon many social workers and other mental health professionals. I thought many thoughts about my unreadiness, and that I was undeserving.
But, like so many others, I just fudged it, as you often just have to. I figured it out as I went along. And I pleasantly surprised myself. I surprised myself with my ability to connect with a diverse population of clients. I learned how to juggle dozens of people’s needs and expectations. But I also, in many ways, crashed and burned. I didn’t learn to say no, and I didn’t know how to care for myself in a professional role. I didn’t know how to cope personally when I was not only physically but emotionally exhausted from working overtime weeks. I didn’t know how to prioritize self-care when I was more interested in spending every spare moment I had travelling or accomplishing some other task. But most importantly, I didn’t know what my body needed. I didn’t know my body.
Although it was only last year, I can think back knowing what I know now and have a lot of insight. I have more insight every day. But it is a different kind of insight than I am used to gaining.
I tend to psychoanalyze every situation. I am beginning to notice the tendency for that analytical process to bring my focus to my perceived pathologies in others. Meaning, it can be reallllllly similar (sounding, feeling) to straight up judging other people. I am most practiced with using this skill on myself. Picking apart every behaviour and using so much of my energy to make sense of my perceived mistakes. This is usually not for the purpose of improvement but instead self punishment.
Lately, I have been trying to use my developing understanding and knowledge of yoga philosophy, energy work, and Ayurveda in order to understand past circumstances without spending so much time looking at all the relationships and systems to identify this trait or that trait (which are ultimately set in our biased perception of the past or prediction of the future and do not necessarily reflect anyone's truth) and instead come to stillness, set in this moment. I have also been able to use my knowledge to instead reflect on the practices I employed while working as a social worker I can see how I was exacerbating doshic imbalances, instead of looking at all the external factors. I guess what I'm ultimately saying is that external factors will effect you and absolutely contribute to imbalances. But sometimes all we need to do is simply acknowledge that, honour it, and do better. To do our best. With whatever hand we have. For too long, I let my circumstances be excuses to stay in denial of my unhealthy or imbalancing tendencies.
I am a Vata, close to bi-dosha of Vata - Pitta. Vata is Air and Ether, the airy and light dosha. Pitta is Fire and Water, the burning hot dosha of power. While I was working as a social worker I was constantly exposed to similar energies, many anxious (vata) and angry (pitta) clients on a daily basis. This is only one example of how your circumstances can lead to imbalances. I did not know the importance of balancing myself at this time, or that I am prone to imbalances of Vata or Pitta without even being in the role of social worker. I didn't know what any of this meant. I didn't know my self.
THE YOGA I WAS DOING
Given my dosha, I benefit from a nice grounding and gentle yoga practice. While I worked as a social worker, I was attending hot and flow yoga classes. While I do believe that sweating does provide immense benefits, a Vata or Vata - Pitta is likely to experience an imbalance if they are adding more fire and quick movement in their yoga practice.
HOW I TRIED TO RELAX
I would come home after a long day of work and want to escape. I would watch television and smoke marijuana. This often lead to a restless mind. Marijuana is something that is also associated with imbalances, especially for Vata. If we think of Vata as the airy (Air + Ether) dosha, it makes sense that adding a puff of smoke wouldn’t help to ground these individuals. This of course depends on the strain as there are varying effects and intended purposes for marijuana. But it can be said that generally, it is not helpful for Vata imbalances.
WHAT I WAS EATING
I remember that I was not eating well. Most days I would have a salad for lunch that consisted of usually spinach, onion, and eggs. All of these foods are aggravating to Vata and Pitta doshas.
HOW I FELT
I felt anxious. I felt exhausted but also like I had to constantly be moving, until I would hit a wall and have to sleep for a day. I felt depressed. It is also important to note that this phase in my life came after a difficult and unhealthy intimate relationship was coming to a close, from across the country. So the accumulation of emotions, that did not have a proper channel for release, definitely contributed to imbalances emerging as my body and spirit was beginning to release traumas. With this, came a lot of anger - which aggravates Pitta - as well as periods fear, nervousness, and excessive talking - all of which aggravate Vata.
When I left my job, I knew I had to leave. But I thought the most important thing was getting home to my family as I had been living away almost a year. Little did I know that there were greater imbalances in my life. Little did I know the psychological breakdown that would manifest once I stared this truth in its face.
But lemme tell you, our breakdowns, are truly our breakthroughs.
More on that to come. Thank you for talking a walk with me on my path.
These are the 4am thoughts of a self-employed social-worker-turned-yoga-teacher on the path to finding samadhi.
Raw and unedited, just for you.
Welcome to my process! Grateful for your part in it <3
Namaste y’all
OM Shanti