This week marks a return to the social work field after a two year hiatus. When I took the hiatus, I didn’t know how long it would last. I didn’t know anything except the fact that I was physically, emotionally, neurologically, mentally, and spiritually exhausted. To me it just felt like I had nothing left to give anyone, including myself. It felt scary and I felt like I had given up my life purpose. I didn’t know I would become a yoga teacher, develop my skills and confidence as a musician, and start a second life in Mexico. I didn’t know where I was headed at all and for the first time *ever* I didn’t have a plan. The truth is, I still don’t really have a plan. Finding comfort in this discomfort - the place of uncertainty - has been the most valuable lesson from the last two years of my life.
After I met my current partner, I felt more stable than I’ve felt before - maybe ever. Our relationship seemed to create this sense of stability, an external “normalcy” that I had never experienced. I thought, “Great! I’m ready to go back to social work because the external parts of my life MUST be mirroring my internal parts. I must be stable enough now!” Being in a conscious partnership has actually turned out to be one of the biggest challenges of my life. At first, of course I was amazed by the remarkable difference between how supported I felt compared to other partnerships or life alone. But over time, with the safe space to do so, the past wounds reveal themselves and I realized, it is not the external indicators that are most important. It is the internal ones. I am thankful that when I applied to some social work jobs last year at that time, I did not receive a single response. It helped me ponder a few things:
Maybe I am not destined to work with children and families *right now.* I am still in the early stages of understanding and healing the relationships and traumas in my own immediate family. Every family I have ever worked with has triggered me. This is not to say this will ever go away - but as an act of self love I do not want to burn myself out again or create disharmony in my own life. This is the hardest one to accept because it feels like I am neglecting my dharma.
Maybe I wasn’t even ready yet. The feeling of relief when a client doesn’t show up is a common one for therapists and social workers. Amplify that feeling by a hundred and you’ll understand the feeling I felt when I checked my email to find no responses day after day. I think that I knew I wasn't ready.
This is truly my dharma. This is my life’s purpose. To help people feel understood and heard. To help people process and heal. But this starts with me, and I can only be helpful as long as I fill my cup first. So as I put myself back into the social work field, I have to tread carefully, intentionally, realistically, and self-lovingly. If I am going to follow my life's purpose, I better damn well do it right.
In Mexico recently, I suddenly felt ready. I applied to “casual” or “relief” positions. These are ideal with my lifestyle. It means I can pick up whatever shifts work, and I am never committed to any certain schedule unless I accept the specific shift. I got interviews for a youth shelter, and an adult shelter system. The youth shelter interview gave me weird feelings. By weird, I mean feeling like I wasn’t good enough. Maybe thats not the right language to use with myself in the spirit of self love - but the truth is those feelings were my intuition protecting myself. My age-old self-defeating narrative wants to convince me it is because I am not good enough. But in truth, I am not ready to work with youth as I am lovingly tending to the hurt youth inside of me. I am almost 28 years old and in the right environment, I easily feel 17 again. These youth need adults with healthy boundaries that are difficult to create when the adult still feels easily triggered into a youthful state. The other interview felt natural. It felt right. I felt excited. And so I got the job! I am a relief worker for an adult shelter system in the city of Toronto.
And now the work is stay grounded in the present. There are other things that frustrate me about the social work field besides my own trauma triggers. The system is broken in so many ways, it leads me to often feel helpless in helping individuals. Facilities are dirty and often demeaning to clients, and power differences are evident. And the morale within staff teams is problematic. In this field I cannot count how many times I have seen a worker turn away from a client only to roll their eyes or make some sort of judgmental comment under their breath. It’s sickening to me as I’ve watched workers de-humanize their clients in this way. After only one 3 hour shift, I see the potential for this in my workplace and I worry for how this can effect my mood, energy, and ability to do my job.
And so I am writing this to share my story, but also to proclaim my commitments:
I commit to treating every human, my coworkers and clients, with respect and dignity.
I commit to filling my own cup, using food, yoga, making love, playing music, and writing - so that I can better serve people.
I commit to doing my absolute best to look into the eyes of every client I serve without fear or judgement.
I commit to only working a maximum of two shifts a week to explore the balance I need in my life.
I commit to protecting myself energetically from lower vibrations and fear, while working to emanate light and love to my coworkers and clients.
I commit to understanding Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs and helping people where they are at, including myself.
I commit to myself before my fellow humans.
I commit to using the skills and truths I’ve learned through yoga and travelling to protect myself and serve others in every interaction and thought.
I commit to compassion and love, of self and others. <3 Mindful Molly