Today I felt a sense of peaceful relief that I feel I have been “chasing” for weeks, maybe even months. As I drove home from spending time with family this evening found myself ruminating in the past, feeling like a younger version of myself experiencing her life as if she was still that same hurting child. I remembered a quote that I thought I learned during the time I spent studying mental health. A quick google search tells me it is a quote from the ancient Chinese philosopher, Lao Tzu.
“If you are depressed you are living in the past.
If you are anxious you are living in the future.
If you are at peace you are living in the present.”
- Lao Tzu
I took a deep breath, and as I inhaled I told myself, “Here,” and as I exhaled, “Now.” I continued to take long and intentional breaths.
“Here,” I looked around. It was raining, there were lights and billboards bordering the highway as it transitioned from the Queen Elizabeth Way to the Gardner Expressway. I touched my dog in my lap noticing the car transporting us, and my body sitting.
“Now,” I felt the rumble of the road as it moved beneath me. I heard the water washing up on the sides of cars as they drove through the small puddles forming within the lanes. I noticed the street lights glow illuminating me as I passed them. I felt every moment of now separate from one another.
My shoulders relaxed. My body loosened. My mouth relaxed and a gentle smirk replaced a slight frown. I felt a sensation vanish from my scalp that I can only describe feeling as if an individual was stretching the skin between my ears across the top of my head - as if in an attempt create a bigger home for my pulsing, illusionary mind and all the thoughts within it. These thoughts that can escalate, that begin ruminating, ultimately leading me into a state of anxiety or depression. While this sensation was undoubtedly not constant for weeks, I found myself unable to create a space of peace as I know I have been able to before. I was stuck. Stuck on setting high expectations on myself. Stuck on comparing myself to others who are on similar paths but maybe have more accomplished than me. This can be a useful tool if used to drive action, in the here and now. Instead I found myself resisting what is, placing limitations on myself based on my past, and obsessing endlessly about my future. The more I recalled instances over the last year that I was able to create a space of peace, the more I chastised myself for being unable to create it again.
When one lives in these states, in places on the time continuum that only exists within our minds, it is so difficult. It is difficult to accomplish tasks; it is difficult to enjoy life; it is difficult to love yourself.
The mindfulness muscle must be flexed, and exercised - without resistance; without expectation.
We have the ability to access peace - within us. We cannot chase it. It exists in only one form.
“Here,”
“Now.”